Tag Archives: hermit life

Hermit Church

An old friend and I always used to joke about starting our own religion because it would be so easy to do.  I mean there are lots of followers out there, and this friend and I are leaders – demented leaders, but leaders.   Well, earlier this week, another good friend of mine told me that I should start my own religion.  Due to an excess of caffeine and a lack of sleep, my mind quickly started developing this religion.  So, here are my plans for the High Church of the Painful Truth, a name I am plagiarizing from my Brother-In-Law, Mike:

Commandments:

  1. Don’t be ignorant.  If you just can’t help yourself, please take a vow of silence.
  2. Cleanliness is next to, um, well it’s important.  So, clean up after yourself.  There is no reason to be sloppy.  It just means that you are lazy.
  3. Don’t be lazy.  Be grateful that you CAN walk and get up off of your behind and do something.
  4. Be nice to people just because that is what you are supposed to do.  This goes double for animals, small children, and senile senior citizens.  They love and trust you; be kind.
  5. No poor me allowed.  You are not a victim.  You have made a lifetime of crappy decisions that led you to exactly where you are.  You will not improve your life until you start taking responsibility for it.
  6. Review your first grade language arts book. People cannot read your messed up unpunctuated shorthand.
  7. Keep all Sabbath days holy, no matter what religion they are from.  This should take care of the entire week, or at least the weekend.  So, put down your CrackBerry and enjoy your family.
  8. Do not push any religion on to others.  No one KNOWS or UNDERSTANDS the mysteries of the universe.

Meeting Place:  Skype.  Seriously, why meet in person in one building.  I hate people and travel. So, if you want to be a member of my church, get a web cam.

Attire:  Business casual – no jeans.  People wear jeans to everything now.  As my step-dad used to say, “Dungarees are for farmers!”   This applies to all things other than farming, exercising or sleeping.

Meeting Frequency: [Shrugs shoulders].  I don’t know.  When we need to. This will save us all the misery of forced meetings.

Offerings:  PayPal.  Again, why should I leave my couch to collect money?  Just put it right into my account.  What?  Why do I need money if there is no actual building?  UMMMM, well, being a spiritual leader requires lots of chocolate.  I’m not talking about that cheap grocery store crap.  I need the good stuff, from Europe, preferably dark.  I will also need liquor, from Europe.

Well, that about covers it for now.  The caffeine is wearing off and that 5:30 wake-up call is catching up with me.  If anyone can draw out there, see if you can come up with a symbol for this new religion of mine.  Extra points if it includes kittens. We will sell t-shirts and jewelry with said symbol.  All proceeds will go to me.  At least I’m honest.

Note: This blog was previously published on my old Salon.com blog. 

25 Minutes with Mr. Dark and Handsome

I try to spend 25 minutes every day with Mr. Dark and Handsome. I would do more, but that is about what fits in my schedule. It’s OK. My husband knows about him. I have even asked him to join us since it would be really good exercise, but he thinks that kind of thing is just silly. I disagree. There’s no reason why I should be the only one to benefit from this kind of physical activity.

 

Gilad
Gilad

Wait. Hold on. I’m not talking about a Craig’s List connection here. I’m talking about my imaginary personal trainer, Gilad. He comes into my living room every morning, and brings 4 assistants and a beautiful view of Hawaii. One time, he even had his mom on the show. She looked great, but Mama G didn’t attempt the little unitard and tights ensemble that the other females were wearing. This was an episode from 2004, back when people still wore these things to exercise classes. Oh, wait; that was 1985. At least, the Gilad girls don’t wear leg warmers. The token other guy in the class doesn’t either. Anyway, Mama Gilad had baggy pants and a Gilad t-shirt on. I can respect that, and relate.

As I mentioned, Gilad is nice to look at, for the most part, especially given the fact that he is 17 years older than me. Those of you doing the math at home, that would make him 44. Yes, I’m sure. Because I’m 27, that’s why. What teenaged son? Hush.

Anyway, he is pretty, aside from that unfortunate helmet hair, which he no doubt inherited from his mom. Gilad’s accent can be distracting, though, and I don’t imagine us talking about anything deeper than bun muscles. Just a feeling I have. So, I can’t really add him to the fake boyfriend list, See fake BF blog , but he is definitely the best imaginary personal trainer I have ever had, and the only male one.

Twinkies are also yummy.
Twinkies are also yummy.

Those of you who have seen me lately are thinking, “Wow, either your personal trainer sucks, or you must have a case of Twinkies hidden in your pantry.” It’s OK. I think the same thing whenever I see that woman with bad hair, bags under her eyes and a fat suit in the mirror. I really thought it when I saw that one HORRIBLE picture of me from a recent work function. However, I JUST STARTED working out with Gilad. Give me a couple of months and I will be halfway in shape just in time for swimsuit season to end. Uh huh. I’ve got this all planned out.

So, if you would like to borrow my personal trainer, just set your DVR to record his show on Fit TV, or whatever channel that is. You can just search for him on your cable guide, or the Internet. You could also buy his DVD’s, but who does that with all of this live streaming stuff happening. It’s not like it’s 2004 anymore.

 

Multiple Facebook Personality Disorder

Writer FacebookMultiple Facebook Personality Disorder, or MFPD, is a serious disease. I know this because I have it. No. I’m not one of those over-dramatic, passive-aggressive twits who posts things like, “WHY doesn’t he LOVE me???????” No. My disease is more complex than a mere lack of self-esteem and maturity. My multiple Facebook personas are not restricted to one profile. Honestly, up until recently, I had THREE Facebook profiles.

Yes, THREE Facebook profiles. I know what you’re thinking. “What kind of person who is not trying to catch predators needs THREE Facebook profiles?” This one. [raises hand] Let me explain.

Like most mortals, I started out with just one Facebook profile, a personal account. I just used it to keep in touch with family and friends. I posted pictures from the wedding, numerous shots of my son, and little sarcastic snippets here and there. Little by little, other people friend requested me, including some work people. This was OK for a while, but then, I became the chair of my department at work. I was, for lack of a better term, “the boss.”

I work from home for an online university. I love my job for many reasons, not just because I wear terry cloth yoga pants to work. I love helping students. I love my quirky co-workers, and I love that I can work with my bad leg (in a boot cast – see my previous post) up on the couch. So, because I enjoy being employed by said wonderful university, I decided, that since I was in a position of authoriTAY, I should create a professional Facebook profile. So, a few years ago, my uber boring alter-ego was created.

Work Lisa WAS boring. For four long years, she posted bland status updates like “I love summer because it’s warm.” YAWN. Work Lisa posted maybe about four pictures, all perfectly normal, boring, and alcohol-free. I really don’t know how the girl managed to have 200 friends. I mean, I wouldn’t want to be friends with her. Plus, I decided to step down from being “the boss” a couple of years ago. So, I got rid of Work Lisa.

A couple of weeks ago, I decided that it was pointless to have THREE Facebook profiles. During the election and when I was a supervisor, Work Lisa had her purpose. She didn’t post sarcastic memes about a certain robotic candidate who changed his mind every four seconds and did not take the time to oh say learn anything about world geography, but I digress. I’m trying to say that Work Lisa stayed neutral on all inflammatory topics. As you can guess, Personal Lisa did not, but she has calmed down quite a bit now that there is not an election going on. Also, I have finally mastered the whole creating Facebook groups thing. So, I decided that Work Lisa must die, and she did. So far, about ten work people have friend-requested me on the Personal Lisa page. I’m good with that. Some of them friend-requested me on Writer Lisa page.

Writer Lisa is my newest profile. I created her last summer when I published my first novel; a YA book entitled Misfit Academy. Writer Lisa is also kind of boring, but not as bad as Work Lisa was. Writer Lisa posts things like, “Please buy my book and read my blog,” which is boring. However, she also says things like, “I know the world is ending because Def Leppard released an acoustic album.” Who the HECK wants to hear ACOUSTIC Def Leppard songs? I mean, I know most of their fans are in their forties, but still! OK. Digressing again. I’m sorry about that. My point is that Writer Lisa serves a purpose, and is not as boring as Work Lisa.

OK. Do you understand why this is a disease now? Holy heck. I hope there is a medication or a meeting for this soon. At the very least, there should be a Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz episode