An old friend and I always used to joke about starting our own religion because it would be so easy to do. I mean there are lots of followers out there, and this friend and I are leaders – demented leaders, but leaders. Well, earlier this week, another good friend of mine told me that I should start my own religion. Due to an excess of caffeine and a lack of sleep, my mind quickly started developing this religion. So, here are my plans for the High Church of the Painful Truth, a name I am plagiarizing from my Brother-In-Law, Mike:
- Don’t be ignorant. If you just can’t help yourself, please take a vow of silence.
- Cleanliness is next to, um, well it’s important. So, clean up after yourself. There is no reason to be sloppy. It just means that you are lazy.
- Don’t be lazy. Be grateful that you CAN walk and get up off of your behind and do something.
- Be nice to people just because that is what you are supposed to do. This goes double for animals, small children, and senile senior citizens. They love and trust you; be kind.
- No poor me allowed. You are not a victim. You have made a lifetime of crappy decisions that led you to exactly where you are. You will not improve your life until you start taking responsibility for it.
- Review your first grade language arts book. People cannot read your messed up unpunctuated shorthand.
- Keep all Sabbath days holy, no matter what religion they are from. This should take care of the entire week, or at least the weekend. So, put down your CrackBerry and enjoy your family.
- Do not push any religion on to others. No one KNOWS or UNDERSTANDS the mysteries of the universe.
Meeting Place: Skype. Seriously, why meet in person in one building. I hate people and travel. So, if you want to be a member of my church, get a web cam.
Attire: Business casual – no jeans. People wear jeans to everything now. As my step-dad used to say, “Dungarees are for farmers!” This applies to all things other than farming, exercising or sleeping.
Meeting Frequency: [Shrugs shoulders]. I don’t know. When we need to. This will save us all the misery of forced meetings.
Offerings: PayPal. Again, why should I leave my couch to collect money? Just put it right into my account. What? Why do I need money if there is no actual building? UMMMM, well, being a spiritual leader requires lots of chocolate. I’m not talking about that cheap grocery store crap. I need the good stuff, from Europe, preferably dark. I will also need liquor, from Europe.
Well, that about covers it for now. The caffeine is wearing off and that 5:30 wake-up call is catching up with me. If anyone can draw out there, see if you can come up with a symbol for this new religion of mine. Extra points if it includes kittens. We will sell t-shirts and jewelry with said symbol. All proceeds will go to me. At least I’m honest.
Note: This blog was previously published on my old Salon.com blog.