Tag Archives: Jehovah’s Witnesses

Jehovah Stoppers

BACK!!
BACK!!

Well, if you have read this blog, or this blog, you know that like most introverts, I am a tad bit irritated with people who pound on my door to sell me anything, be it products or religion.  And yes, Jehovah’s Witnesses, you are indeed soliciting even if you are not accepting money (I have an inside source).  See ye olde dictionary for more details.  

While I don’t like solicitation calls, pushy sales people in stores, or overly eager acquaintances who just drop by, I really, really loathe it when people pound on the door to save my soul.  My soul and I are just fine.  How about yours; have you helped anyone today?  Anyway, in talking with others who also don’t want religious people showing up at their door, I have acquired a handy-dandy little list of Jehovah stoppers.   Here they are, in no particular order:

  • Answer the door nude.  I’m not likely to do this one as I am usually cold, and covered in two or three layers.  By the time I got everything off, they would already be running.  HMMM. Well, that would solve the problem.
  • Answer the door holding a large butcher knife (or OJ knife as we call it here in the cat lady house), with some sort of meat blood, and maybe a little bit of raw meat on it.  It helps to be wearing a robe, too.  Tell the door-knockers, “You’re just in time.  Do you want to help me sacrifice the goat?”  I’ve been told that it works like a charm.
  • Say you have been “disfellowshipped.”  My anonymous inside source tells me that they are not allowed to talk to you if you have been shunned.  You have to use the d-word though, so keep it on a sticky note near the door.
  • Say you are Jewish.  Apparently, according to the Jehovah’s witnesses, you are a lost cause, and may have horns on your head, if you don’t think of Jesus as the Son of God AND you avoid pork products.  Honestly, you’ve got to be evil if you are not eating bacon, right? I finally purchased a Menorah this year (I plan to blog about why I have always wanted to be Jewish soon), so maybe I will just keep it out year-round and hold it up to the JW’s when they knock. I wonder if they will run from it like the vampires run from crosses in movies.
  • Know the Bible and debate with them.  They will entertain you for a few minutes, but I am told that they leave quickly if they know that you know what you are talking about.

That’s all I have for you for now.  Please feel free to comment with more religion repellant methods.  As your token hermit friend, I have made it my life’s mission to avoid unexpected “guests” of all sorts.  Peace out and Happy Holidays!

 

 

Giving Back to the Jehovah's Witnesses

If you have read this blog before, you may have figured out that I spend a lot of time alone.  I work from home, so I am here, talking to cats and rolling my eyes at dogs all day, every day.  So, I have a lot of time to dwell on things.  A couple of weeks ago, when Jehovah’s SWAT team disturbed my peace, I got angry.  The loud, cop-like banging on the door gave me heart palpitations and brought me back to the 80’s when I spent many an evening sitting in my room watching “Cops.” DO NOT give a hermit heart palpitations.  It can actually give the hermit enough energy to leave the house.   I almost ran down the street after the holy SWAT team in my snow flake pajamas.  I decided against it as that would mean actually talking to them.  Plus, what would I have done, yelled at them? What good is anger?

I came up with a better idea.  Instead of being annoyed with the Jehovah’s Witnesses, I attempted to channel my inner Buddhist and find a way to help if I can.  So, I’m going to give back to them, as they give to many people.  They like to give people brochures and persuade them to believe like they do.  Well, I’m going to share my views on spirituality with them.  I may not believe in God, or Jesus, or Hell, or Heaven, but I believe in Santa.  In fact, I’ve made a little flyer to share with the JWs.  I’ve even included quotes from books because books always prove everything.

I’m including the flyer here, so you can use it, too.  Simply click this link to get the PDF version from my Google Drive:  Santa Flyer This flyer could be used for everyone, not just Jehovah’s Witnesses.  I mean, other religious groups, vacuum salesmen, roofers, driveway pavers, and assorted other characters think they are entitled to step onto your porch, ring your doorbell, and invade your peace and privacy.  Give them a Santa flyer, a hearty “HO, HO, HO,” and tell them to go in peace.

Santaflyer

Giving Back to the Jehovah’s Witnesses

If you have read this blog before, you may have figured out that I spend a lot of time alone.  I work from home, so I am here, talking to cats and rolling my eyes at dogs all day, every day.  So, I have a lot of time to dwell on things.  A couple of weeks ago, when Jehovah’s SWAT team disturbed my peace, I got angry.  The loud, cop-like banging on the door gave me heart palpitations and brought me back to the 80’s when I spent many an evening sitting in my room watching “Cops.” DO NOT give a hermit heart palpitations.  It can actually give the hermit enough energy to leave the house.   I almost ran down the street after the holy SWAT team in my snow flake pajamas.  I decided against it as that would mean actually talking to them.  Plus, what would I have done, yelled at them? What good is anger?

I came up with a better idea.  Instead of being annoyed with the Jehovah’s Witnesses, I attempted to channel my inner Buddhist and find a way to help if I can.  So, I’m going to give back to them, as they give to many people.  They like to give people brochures and persuade them to believe like they do.  Well, I’m going to share my views on spirituality with them.  I may not believe in God, or Jesus, or Hell, or Heaven, but I believe in Santa.  In fact, I’ve made a little flyer to share with the JWs.  I’ve even included quotes from books because books always prove everything.

I’m including the flyer here, so you can use it, too.  Simply click this link to get the PDF version from my Google Drive:  Santa Flyer This flyer could be used for everyone, not just Jehovah’s Witnesses.  I mean, other religious groups, vacuum salesmen, roofers, driveway pavers, and assorted other characters think they are entitled to step onto your porch, ring your doorbell, and invade your peace and privacy.  Give them a Santa flyer, a hearty “HO, HO, HO,” and tell them to go in peace.

Santaflyer

Jehovah’s SWAT Team

Dear Jehovah’s Witnesses who banged on my door like they were a SWAT team,

Creepy Brochure
Creepy Brochure

You made this introverted work at home mom jump.    I was enjoying my second cup of coffee while still wearing my snowflake pajamas when you banged on the door at 9:00 am, and shoved a creepy brochure under the door when I didn’t answer.  This was a loud, busting a meth house knock, not a friendly “Lets talk about Jesus” knock.  If you scare the bejesus out of people, it might make it more difficult to get the Jesus in them. I’m just giving you a little free advice, just you like to give to so many people.  Here is some more free advice.

It is 2013.  A lot of people WORK from home.   By BANGING on the door with your message of rapture, you are disturbing someone’s conference call or breaking someone’s concentration on a project.  You did the second for me.  Not only did your “knock” startle me, but also it startled my dogs.  They barked their heads off at you the entire time you were on my block after you pounded on my door. Thanks for that.  The large Black Lab/Great Dane eats her own poop.  The next time you knock, I will open the door and let her kiss you.  You’re welcome.

If there is a no soliciting sign on the door, don’t knock.  Tuck your Bible and your

I ordered this one today.
I ordered this one today.

brochures under your coat and tiptoe away. I have a friend who used to be a Jehovah’s Witness.  So, I know your trainers tell you that what your doing is not soliciting.  Um, the dictionary disagrees.  Here is the link to the dictionary definition.  It doesn’t just pertain to selling something.  Basically, it means to make a request or to bother someone.  If you are making a request that I listen to your stories, you are soliciting. You may not understand this, but you bother a lot of people.  I’m just trying to help you understand this.

If you are out there trying to recruit people who do not already agree with your philosophy, a brochure filled with Bible verses is not the way to go.   As your friendly neighborhood Buddhist-thinking Atheist, I can tell you that the Bible is nothing but a book of stories to me.  You would have better luck if you quoted something by Oscar Wilde.  I wrote my Master’s Thesis on him.  If you offered me a magical painting that aged for me, I’d sign up in a heartbeat.

If you are going to leave a brochure, step into the 21st Century with your contact information.   While you do have a web site listed, your email link on that site does not work.  You were going to get an email from me.  Now, I will simply print this blog and SNAIL MAIL it to the address on your brochure.  Perhaps, I should just have the Pony Express bring it.

I’m not sure if you watch the news or not, but a lot of people have been getting shot for silly things like trespassing.   As I mentioned before, I have a friend who was a Jehovah’s Witness.   He was disfellowshipped.  (By the way, I’m told this is the only magical word that makes you go away.  I am considering having it painted on my door.)  Once, when he was an 11 year-old doorknocker, a woman pulled a gun on him.  I guess she was more concerned with her Second Amendment Right to Bear Arms than my friend’s First Amendment Right to pester her with religious propaganda. This didn’t shock me.  When you’re knocking on strangers’ doors, you don’t know who is behind that door.  It could be someone with PTSD or it could be someone who hears voices telling him to kill the one who knocks, and I’m not talking about Walter White.

MickeycupIt’s been nice sharing my advice with you for a change.  I’m off to make dinner now.  My dogs have calmed down, but my blood pressure is still a little high from your “visit.”  I think I’m going to need to add some vodka to my Vitamin Water and drink it from my Mickey cup, just to get back to my happy place.