Tag Archives: picky eaters

My Super Picky Food Guide

 
The fellas, the husband and the manchild, are both not very picky eaters. They frequently have sushi dates without me because I hate sushi. Yes, I have tried the California roll and hated that, too. It’s the seaweed that gets me with that one. The only sushi I have ever liked is at Fusian and that’s because it was steak sushi rolled in a rice wrap.
 
Sushi isn’t the only food I hate. When I really think about it, there are so many foods that I just do not like. I should be much skinnier with the number of foods I avoid. I guess I make up for it with calories from wine and butter. No, I don’t drink wine with butter in it. I haven’t invented bulletproof wine. Anyway, here are all of the foods, and drinks, that make me gag.
 
Cold coffee is like ipecac. I will only drink it if I feel like I have poisoned myself somehow and need to induce vomiting. I’m sure to tell this to the barista at Starbucks every time I’m asked if I “want that hot or cold” Actually, I tell them, “If you ever see me request cold coffee, please call 911 because I’ve had a stroke or something.” They love me there.
 
Olives and mushrooms are not grown, they come out of frogs’ asses. The texture and color remind me of frog shit. I’m not a frog shit aficionado, per se, but I did grow up in Florida and have seen many a frog ass dropping on sidewalks.
 
Cheese is meant to be eaten in its melted state. Cold blocks of cheese are barf-worthy, especially if they are super sharp.
 
Milk as a beverage makes me gag. It’s like gulping phlem.
 
On that note, hot tea should not have cream and sugar. Tea is a light brothy drink, as nature intended.
 
Raw fish is called BAIT. Its only purpose should be to be put on the end of a hook to catch other fish that will be served cooked.
 
Onions are the devil’s food. They give me stabbing stomach pains and they taste like barroom vomit.
 
Nuts are to be served alone. They should not be IN cookies, cakes, or any food item.
 
Mint should only be in chocolate foods and beverages, or teas, candy canes, or starlight mints. It should never be in any other food.
 
Steak should be medium rare. It should not be rarer than that and it should never be well done.
 
Bacon should be a little chewy. Crispy bacon should be used to throw at intruders.
 
Chicken breast is the most boring thing you could ever cook. Just don’t.
 
Spicy is not a seasoning; it’s a punishment.
 
Cookies should be soft. Crispy cookies are served in church.
 
Sweet drinks are for toddlers. Alcoholic beverages should never be sweet unless you are 15 and it’s 1988.
 
Creamy soups are an abomination. Soups should be light and brothy. Creamy soups should come with a prescription for Crestor.
 
Cake donuts are not worth the calories. Raised glazed donuts are the only ones worthwhile.
 
Birthday cake should be vanilla with whipped cream frosting. Chocolate cake is phlemworthy.
 
Rice does not belong in burritos. You have all the carbs you need with the tortilla.
 
Calamari is the nasty rubber band of the sea.
 
Potato chips should have salt, and that is all. BBQ and other flavored chips should not exist.
 
I think that is about it, but there could be more. See, I’m not THAT picky, right? HA! Just kidding. I know that I’m super picky. This is why I would so much rather meet you in a restaurant than have you attempt to cook for me. The husband is the only one who has mastered the art of cooking for me, and I’m pretty sure he hides mushrooms and onions in things.
 
What food do you HATE?