Tag Archives: puppies

I don’t love babies and puppies. Sue me.

If you know me, you know I’m weird.  Even when I was a kid, I was always the odd one in any group.  All of my fellow summer campers would get excited about swimming time but I would get an anxiety induced stomachache.  The other birthday party guests would eat the entire strip of chocolate iced cream in the carton of Neopolitan, and I was usually the only kid waiting for a scoop of vanilla.

Everyone who didn't make basketball cheerleading "made" wrestlerettes.
Everyone who didn’t make basketball cheerleading “made” wrestlerettes.

I used to hate being different, and I spent my youth chasing normal.  I tried out for cheerleading and homecoming court, you know all of the things teen girls are supposed to want to do. I went to the beach a lot, even though I have always hated swimming. Now, at the ripe old age of 28 (44), I have decided not to care about being normal.  I’m just going to embrace my oddness and come out of the closet about all of the things I am not in love with that normal people like.

Babies – They’re needy little balls of barf and mustard shit.  EVERYONE loves babies.  People spend thousands on fertility treatments to have babies.  I don’t get it. I never had that baby desperation.  I have a son and I love him.  He was a baby once and I loved him then, too, but I really started to enjoy our life together when he could wipe his own ass and sleep all night. Talking instead of scream crying was a bonus, too.

Chocolate – I’d rather have a good vanilla cheesecake. Or a Twinkie.  Or vanilla ice cream.  I have chocolate in really small doses because it makes me feel like I have a huge coco puff loogie in my throat.

I always loved cats.
I always loved cats.

Puppies – Just like babies, they’re needy and hard to potty train.  Crate training our huge Sophie drove me to drink.  Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve been a cat person. I hated going over to anyone’s house who had a dog because the minute I would walk in the door the dog jumped on me or stuck his head in my nether regions.  Yes, I have two dogs now. Not my choice.  I take care of them, but I love the cats way more. The dogs are not aware of this and follow me everywhere.

Beer – Can we just drink carbonated urine instead? Everyone has a big old chubby for craft beer.  It should be called crap beer.  It tastes just like all other beer. I’m not sure what is so crafty about it.  Does it knit or something?   I enjoy martinis and scotch.  Hell, even yoga pant wearing mom approved wine is better than beer.

Awards Shows – Four words: Who gives a f#$%? Let me get this straight, you already play dress up for a living and earn more than a second world nation, and we are supposed to give you a trophy and glamorous after parties and goodie bags filled with free stuff, too?  Teachers and Firemen, and other people who really work, should get an awards show.

Jesus – Everyone loves to say we are a “Christian nation.”  Guess what? We aren’t.  We have separation of church and state.  It doesn’t matter what the Bible says; it matters what the Constitution says.  And I am SO SICK of people trying to pass “moral” laws.  “Because Jesus” is not a reason to pass a law.  Plus, Jesus would probably think most “Christians” today are assholes.

Yep. I’m not normal.  After writing this, I totally get why I have very few close friends, and most of them are cats.  If anyone is reading this, leave me a comment and let me know if you are normal, an oddball, or somewhere in the middle.

What’s Your Poison?

This would NOT be in hell.
This would NOT be in hell.

I’m not talking about intoxicants here.  Believe me, everyone has one, whether it’s alcohol, carbs, fair food, or bad TV.  I’m talking about the thing that actually bothers you like no other.  In other words, what is your own idea of hell?  

 As a non-Christian/Buddhist/Ancient Astronaut Theorist, I don’t believe in hell. So, no, I’m not afraid I will go to hell.  : )   On the other hand, as an academic, I’m able to look outside of my own belief system and understand other ways of thinking.  So, I have frequent conversations with others about religion, politics, and sushi without having actual arguments.  The other day, I was talking to my husband about the theory that hell is individualized, meaning it would be different for each person and include the things that bother them here on Earth.  So, I started listing the things that would be in my personal hell.  Here they are in no particular order: 

  •  Screaming infants and toddlers –- Most people goo goo and ga ga over babies.  They love them.  They think they are beautiful.  I think they look like little Buddhist monks in the wrong attire.  Unlike monks, they are loud and way too needy.  I like kids when they can talk and tell me what the heck they want.  Using the restroom alone is also a plus in my book, for them and me. (Parents know what I am talking about here.) I enjoy peace and quiet, and I don’t speak tantrum.
  • Puppies — Puppies are really cute, but when they are not potty trained and hyperactive they create a perfect hell for me. If I wanted to clean up poop, I would have a baby.  At least they start to talk and use the toilet eventually. Plus, truth be told, I am a cat person.  Nothing is cuter than a kitten. 
  • Extroverts in need of constant conversation — I work from home and spend most of my day NOT TALKING, or LISTENING.  I LOVE that.  I like reading and writing. If you need to talk, call your mom.  Send me an email or a text message.
  • Exercise for the sake of exercise — I dream of being skinny, but it’s not going to happen.  Two things stand in my way.  One is a love of salty carbs, and the other is a hatred of exercise for the sake of exercise. Whenever I am on the hamster wheel (elliptical) or exercising along with one of the 30 recorded Gilad episodes on my TV, I’m always thinking of other stuff I have to do, like writing a blog or working on that second novel. Unless I become a farmer or move to a place where I have to walk everywhere, I will stay this sort of medium-fluffy size.  Whatever.
  • Daily meals of odd seafood and mushrooms — I’m a picky eater.  My teenaged son is more open-minded about food than I am.  He and my husband have sushi dates because I refuse to eat “bait.”  Yes, I’ve tried the California roll. I hate that, too.  I also hate mushrooms.  They are slimy and gross and remind me of frogs. 
  •  Reptiles — My personal hell would have bouncing frogs and slithering snakes everywhere.  If an animal doesn’t have fur and a stable body temperature, I’m not interested.
  • Temperature fluctuations — I’m comfortable when it’s about 78 and sunny, with low humidity. Other than that, I’m either hot or cold.
  • Ringing doorbells and other interruptions — I don’t like surprise visits, especially from people who are selling products or religion.  For one, it interrupts my train of thought when I am writing or working on a project of some sort.  Two, it forces me to talk to people.  So, if you’re coming over, text me first.  Don’t call. Ever. 

 So, those are the things that would be in my hell.  What would your hell include? Leave me a comment.  I love hearing from you all, in written form of course.

 

What's Your Poison?

This would NOT be in hell.
This would NOT be in hell.

I’m not talking about intoxicants here.  Believe me, everyone has one, whether it’s alcohol, carbs, fair food, or bad TV.  I’m talking about the thing that actually bothers you like no other.  In other words, what is your own idea of hell?  

 As a non-Christian/Buddhist/Ancient Astronaut Theorist, I don’t believe in hell. So, no, I’m not afraid I will go to hell.  : )   On the other hand, as an academic, I’m able to look outside of my own belief system and understand other ways of thinking.  So, I have frequent conversations with others about religion, politics, and sushi without having actual arguments.  The other day, I was talking to my husband about the theory that hell is individualized, meaning it would be different for each person and include the things that bother them here on Earth.  So, I started listing the things that would be in my personal hell.  Here they are in no particular order: 

  •  Screaming infants and toddlers –- Most people goo goo and ga ga over babies.  They love them.  They think they are beautiful.  I think they look like little Buddhist monks in the wrong attire.  Unlike monks, they are loud and way too needy.  I like kids when they can talk and tell me what the heck they want.  Using the restroom alone is also a plus in my book, for them and me. (Parents know what I am talking about here.) I enjoy peace and quiet, and I don’t speak tantrum.
  • Puppies — Puppies are really cute, but when they are not potty trained and hyperactive they create a perfect hell for me. If I wanted to clean up poop, I would have a baby.  At least they start to talk and use the toilet eventually. Plus, truth be told, I am a cat person.  Nothing is cuter than a kitten. 
  • Extroverts in need of constant conversation — I work from home and spend most of my day NOT TALKING, or LISTENING.  I LOVE that.  I like reading and writing. If you need to talk, call your mom.  Send me an email or a text message.
  • Exercise for the sake of exercise — I dream of being skinny, but it’s not going to happen.  Two things stand in my way.  One is a love of salty carbs, and the other is a hatred of exercise for the sake of exercise. Whenever I am on the hamster wheel (elliptical) or exercising along with one of the 30 recorded Gilad episodes on my TV, I’m always thinking of other stuff I have to do, like writing a blog or working on that second novel. Unless I become a farmer or move to a place where I have to walk everywhere, I will stay this sort of medium-fluffy size.  Whatever.
  • Daily meals of odd seafood and mushrooms — I’m a picky eater.  My teenaged son is more open-minded about food than I am.  He and my husband have sushi dates because I refuse to eat “bait.”  Yes, I’ve tried the California roll. I hate that, too.  I also hate mushrooms.  They are slimy and gross and remind me of frogs. 
  •  Reptiles — My personal hell would have bouncing frogs and slithering snakes everywhere.  If an animal doesn’t have fur and a stable body temperature, I’m not interested.
  • Temperature fluctuations — I’m comfortable when it’s about 78 and sunny, with low humidity. Other than that, I’m either hot or cold.
  • Ringing doorbells and other interruptions — I don’t like surprise visits, especially from people who are selling products or religion.  For one, it interrupts my train of thought when I am writing or working on a project of some sort.  Two, it forces me to talk to people.  So, if you’re coming over, text me first.  Don’t call. Ever. 

 So, those are the things that would be in my hell.  What would your hell include? Leave me a comment.  I love hearing from you all, in written form of course.

 

Crate Training for Cat People

No, dog people; don’t get excited.  I’m not suggesting that you actually put cat people in crates and try to train them.  As we all know, cat people are not trainable. That is why they admire cats.  Cat people and cats are not trainable because they DON’T need to be trained.  They simply do what they are supposed to do without fanfare or hot dog chunks.

Cat people, you know how hard it is to train a new kitten to use the litter box, right?  Of course not, because it’s the easiest thing you will ever do.  You simply put the kitten in the box, grab it’s little paw and dig in the litter with the paw.  After that, the kitten will always use the litter box unless one of three things happens:

  1. The kitten is a male and you bring another male cat in to the house.  Then, the cats will begin the ancient art of spraying (Note: the Ancient Art of Spraying was a great punk band in the 80’s), also known as an all out urine war.
  2. You are lazy and you do not scoop the litter box at least once, if not twice a day.  Cats do not like to walk through their own waste.  Can you blame them?
  3. The cat is angry with you.  Then, you may find a “present” on your bed.  Don’t be mad at the cat. You should not have made him or her angry.

Dogs are very different from cats.  This is obviously the most profound statement I have ever made.  Seriously, they require more attention, more cleaning, and definitely more direction.  For some reason, Americans like needy creatures because dogs are still the most popular pets in the United States.  While more cats are actually owned, more households have dogs.  I’m guessing this is due to crazy cat ladies and hoarders.  Basically, you can cram more cats in each house.

I’m a cat person who happens to have two dogs.  One of them is an adorable Black Lab/Great Dane puppy named Sophie.  Sophie is sweet, playful, and not fully potty- trained.  Sigh.  Yes, we are doing crate training, and yes she has only been living with us for a few days.  Still, I am a little annoyed.  I’m just not used to all of the training.  Cats just don’t do some of the idiotic things that dogs do.  Here are a few examples:

  1. I have never witnessed a cat eat his or her own excrement, or any excrement.  I wish I could say the same for dogs.  Both of mine are connoisseurs of what should be in the sewer.
  2. Dogs bark at, well, nothing.  Not only do cats not bark, they don’t find it necessary to point out things like the wind blowing or a car driving down the street.
  3. Dogs run to the door and bark like mad when someone rings the doorbell. Cats, being way more intelligent, run AWAY from the door, so they are not bothered by company.
  4. Dogs try to eat everything.  Cats eat cat food and select human foods like tuna and cheese.

Sleeping SophieI’m sure Sophie will be a lovely member of the family once she is fully trained.  Until then, I will take my lead from my three lovely cats and hide upstairs as much as possible.  Sophie is not able to jump over the three gates we have in the house now.  I give her another month.  After all, she is a Great Dane.