Tag Archives: Solicitation

Jehovah Stoppers


Well, if you have read this blog, or this blog, you know that like most introverts, I am a tad bit irritated with people who pound on my door to sell me anything, be it products or religion.  And yes, Jehovah’s Witnesses, you are indeed soliciting even if you are not accepting money (I have an inside source).  See ye olde dictionary for more details.  

While I don’t like solicitation calls, pushy sales people in stores, or overly eager acquaintances who just drop by, I really, really loathe it when people pound on the door to save my soul.  My soul and I are just fine.  How about yours; have you helped anyone today?  Anyway, in talking with others who also don’t want religious people showing up at their door, I have acquired a handy-dandy little list of Jehovah stoppers.   Here they are, in no particular order:

  • Answer the door nude.  I’m not likely to do this one as I am usually cold, and covered in two or three layers.  By the time I got everything off, they would already be running.  HMMM. Well, that would solve the problem.
  • Answer the door holding a large butcher knife (or OJ knife as we call it here in the cat lady house), with some sort of meat blood, and maybe a little bit of raw meat on it.  It helps to be wearing a robe, too.  Tell the door-knockers, “You’re just in time.  Do you want to help me sacrifice the goat?”  I’ve been told that it works like a charm.
  • Say you have been “disfellowshipped.”  My anonymous inside source tells me that they are not allowed to talk to you if you have been shunned.  You have to use the d-word though, so keep it on a sticky note near the door.
  • Say you are Jewish.  Apparently, according to the Jehovah’s witnesses, you are a lost cause, and may have horns on your head, if you don’t think of Jesus as the Son of God AND you avoid pork products.  Honestly, you’ve got to be evil if you are not eating bacon, right? I finally purchased a Menorah this year (I plan to blog about why I have always wanted to be Jewish soon), so maybe I will just keep it out year-round and hold it up to the JW’s when they knock. I wonder if they will run from it like the vampires run from crosses in movies.
  • Know the Bible and debate with them.  They will entertain you for a few minutes, but I am told that they leave quickly if they know that you know what you are talking about.

That’s all I have for you for now.  Please feel free to comment with more religion repellant methods.  As your token hermit friend, I have made it my life’s mission to avoid unexpected “guests” of all sorts.  Peace out and Happy Holidays!