Tag Archives: Spam

Spammers KNOW me!

I used to think that telemarketers and spammers just picked their victims, um, customers randomly. I pictured them sitting in a humid office in a third world country with flies buzzing around their 1998 Dell computers. Since the computers are so slow, I imagined them opening huge phone books and just closing their eyes and pointing, saying, “Yes, Lisa Petty. Let’s try to get her social security number by pretending to be the IRS.” Really though, telemarketers are super intelligent. They have been doing their research and they know EXACTLY the type of person I am.

For example, they know that:

  • I’m a man.
  • I have erectile dysfunction.
  • I’m unhappy with the size of my penis.
  • I speak French.
  • I’m looking for a prostitute.
  • I’m actually going to enter in another payment option even though my Netflix and Amazon are attached to a DIFFERENT email account with a DIFFERENT name.
  • I’m not familiar with the existence of computer viruses.
  • I speak and read broken English.
  • I have a friend named John who may be in trouble in a foreign country.
  • I’m looking for a great deal on travel.
  • I’m a Republican.
  • I care to donate money to any political party.
  • When it comes to clicking random links, I’m like a cat chasing a laser light.
  • I want to have sex four times a night.
  • I’m Asian and I read whatever language they write in. I’m still not sure what exactly that was.
  • I want a deal on designer sunglasses more than I want to breathe.
  • I’m old and in danger of falling.
  • My credit is horrible.
  • I give a shit about what Dr. Oz recommends.
  • I fear that I may be in trouble with the IRS.
  • I NEED to refinance my house more than I need food or water.
  • I like to receive lots of coupons in the mail.
  • I actually use coupons.
  • I’m single, and I am either Christian, Jewish, or both.  (waves at Christian singles and J-Date.)
  • I believe that the cure for everything is in some random tropical fruit that I couldn’t possibly get at the grocery store.
  • I desperately need Jesus in my life.
  • I would ever in a million years want an NRA membership.
  • My oxygen was cut off at birth, or I have taken a lot of blows to the head because I lack all reasoning skills and I will just buy whatever line of bullshit they are feeding me.

Well, that last one really covers ALL of them. I should have just started there.   So, did I miss anything? Do you receive a lot of spam, either by email, snail mail, or phone? Do you have any tips for dealing with junk phone calls and mail? Let me hear from you in the comment section.

Smammers make me feel like this.
Smammers make me feel like this.