Tag Archives: Sty

Getting Rid of a Stye

Most people have some kind of health issue that they deal with. Some folks get migraines.  Some have seasonal allergies.  Others, like me, have IBS and deal with a host of poop issues.  Some get styes.  I’m NOT prone to getting styes, so I am not used to having a foreign eye lid invader like I do now.

Supposedly, styes come from leaving on make-up when you sleep OR picking your nose and touching your eye. I work from home, so my use of eye make-up, or any make-up is limited to that once a week where I actually go out in public.  I didn’t think I picked my nose and touched my eye, but I guess I could be wrong. Other than this megaridiculous never ending stye that I have now, I have had ONE other stye episode ever in my life. Ever.  This time around, I not only got the stye on my top lid that was big enough to pay taxes, I also had a smaller version on my lower lid.  Stuff like this makes me actually believe in God and know that he hates me. It reminds me of the time I had the never-ending bronchitis of 2015.

Anyway, now that I am on week three of living on the styeway of hell, I have become an expert.  As a self-proclaimed expert, I can tell you how to get rid of that pesky stye and I won’t even try to sell you some snake oil product in the process.

  • Realize you have a stye.
  • Squeeze your eye shut tightly and say “fuck!”
  • Open your eye again.
  • Look in the mirror to confirm that you have a stye.
  • Say “fuck!” again.
  • Look up stye on Google.
  • Realize that it is a STAPH infection that you got from moving bacteria from your nose to your eye.
  • Know for certain that you are a Neanderthal.
  • Vow to wash your hands before and after touching any part of your body forever and ever.
  • Wash your hands.
  • Remember that time in 1978 when you had pink eye and your mom put warm teabags on your eye.
  • Grab a teabag, put it in water and microwave it for a minute.
  • Curse like a mofo when you grab the HOT teabag out of the cup.
  • Curse again when you sip the very hot cup of tea.
  • Let the teabag cool on a paper towel.
  • Wash your hands.
  • Squeeze the teabag and put it on your eye.
  • Sit down and wait for it to cool.
  • Get up thirty seconds later and run the teabag under the hot water in the kitchen sink.
  • Put the teabag on your eye again.
  • Throw it away after it is cold again.
  • Wash your hands.
  • Take a stye selfie and post it on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
  • Roll your good eye when the “advice” starts popping up in the comments.
  • Tell everyone that you have been putting teabags on your eyes since 1978.
  • Calmly explain to that supplement selling friend that you will not be trying the cure everything drink.
  • Tell your helpful essential oil selling friend who suggested you try a peppermint eye mask to fuck off.
  • Put on sunglasses and go to the store.
  • Buy some stye ointment and a “Mommy’s Kisses” compress.
  • Go home and heat your compress in the microwave at 5 second intervals until it goes from cold to TOO HOT during the final 5 seconds.
  • Let it sit on a paper towel for a bit.
  • Wash your hands.
  • Pick it up when it is cool enough to touch and put it in its super cute pig head pouch.
  • Put a pig head compress on your eye like you are 7.
  • Post a pig head compress selfie on Instagram and Facebook.  Screw Twitter.
  • Brace yourself for all of the helpful advice from moms who use “Mommy’s Kisses” on their real 7 year-olds.
  • After 4 days of compresses, wonder why the fuck you still have the damn stye.
  • Google more ways to get rid of styes.
  • Find a Youtube video where a jackwagon lances his own stye with a needle.
  • Consider lancing your own stye with a needle.
  • Wash your hands.
  • Read in the video comments that the jackwagon ended up needing eye surgery.
  • Put your needle away.
  • Wash your hands.
  • Go to urgent care.
  • Get a prescription for antibiotic eye ointment.
  • Use it three times a day. Washing your hands before and after.
  • Notice everything is blurry.
  • Notice your hands are peeling like sunburnt tourists.
  • Also notice your eye lid has gotten BIGGER and REDDER.
  • Begin telling random people that you went 4 rounds with Rocky and yell, “Cut me, Mickey!”
  • Notice how the young people don’t get it.
  • Go to your eye doctor.
  • Have a complete exam including numbing eye drops and lots of being touched on your sore as fuck eye.
  • Get a prescription for Augmentin.
  • Take it for two days with no trouble.
  • Notice your eye lid is not as swollen or red.
  • Wake up on the third day on Augmentin and shit yourself silly.
  • Wonder if you accidentally drank colonoscopy “prep.”
  • Call the eye doctor.
  • Request a “less harsh” antibiotic.
  • Squeeze your butt together as you go to the pharmacy’s drive through window to pick up your new medicine.
  • Take said medicine twice a day for 10 days.  So, 12 days total of antibiotics.
  • On day 13 notice you still have a stye.
  • It’s tiny. It’s not red.  But it is STILL THERE.
  • Look up that lance your own stye video again while you grab your “Mommy’s Kisses” compress.
  • Pour yourself a double-shot of vodka and consider pouring it on your eyelid.

What about you guys?

Have you ever had a stye that lasted 3 weeks or more?

What did you do?

Please, for the love of all that is holy and unholy, help me get rid of this!!