Tag Archives: WAHM

Poop and the Work at Home Office

My friend Michelle over at Rubber Shoes in Hell wrote a blog about her co-workers.   Unlike me, Michelle actually puts on acceptable clothes (this probably includes a real bra, not a cami) and shoes that are not made of fluff and foam, and gets in her car to go to a building that is not her home all before the coffee fully begins to work. I’m shaking my head at the horror of this scenario. My guess is she probably doesn’t watch the Today Show while she goes through her email. The horror!!

So, since I LOVED Michelle’s co-worker blog, I decided to share my own wonderful co-workers with you. Most of the beings who share my office are not human, but it is easy to imagine how they would be as “real” co-workers. Feel free to leave a comment about your co-workers, human or otherwise.

Maltese

Lola – Maltese and Security Guard — Lola is short, pasty, and weighs in at 8 pounds. In her mind, she could beat Mike Tyson. She is the first to go nuts when anyone is at the door. She barks at people who walk down the street and trees that sway in the wind. When she is not protecting this house and everyone in it, she humps Andre. Even though she has her own restroom (a potty pad), Lola frequently poops on the floor. Lola would be that person who is always yelling over her cubicle at her co-workers rather than just emailing them as nature intended.

Andre Andre – Super Model and Wannabe Murderer — Andre is one of those guys who is more beautiful than some ladies, and he HATES that. Andre is fond of tuna water and most people. He hates the vet and Sophie with a white-hot passion. He tolerates Lola’s humping, snuggles with Boo Boo, and frequently starts fights with Morris. If Andre were a human, he would be in prison for attempting to murder an annoying co-worker

 

seductive cat Boo Boo — Prefers Picabo and Boar’s Head – Boo is a lady, unless she wants cheese. She will only eat Boar’s Head white American cheese. Boo does not like strangers or being chased by Sophie. She has also been known to pee, poop, or puke on herself in a carrier. Boo is an easy puker and frequently pukes into the shared dry food bowl. Her brothers are horrified. If Boo were a human co-worker, she would be that sort of snotty thin girl who barfs after lunch.

 

Morris Morris – Professional Drooler – Morris begs for food and attention (mostly for food). For real. He gets on his hind feet and rubs his front paws together while meowing. He also drools on people when they hold him. He gets along with everyone, but beats the crap out of Andre when he starts a fight. If he were a real office worker, he would be that guy who is at his desk all day but no one knows what he does exactly.

 

Sophie Sophie – Friendly Poop Eater – Sophie is 81 pounds of poop-scented love. She enjoys tearing the stuffing out of toys, digging in the yard, and barking at her own little imaginary world of demons. If Sophie were a person, she would be someone who just quit smoking, as she has to have something in her mouth 96% of the day. She tried to bring a frozen turd in from the back yard once. If she were a real office worker, she would be the person that steals your lunch from the fridge. She would also be the person with the really bad breath.

Wedding Husband – PT Office Manager – My husband leaves the home to work. So, he is only PT in this office. However, he is industrious enough to be in a management position as a PTer. He is the executive in charge of all things icky, sticky, heavy, and disgusting. He cleans up poop and other fun stuff  when he is at the office. He hired Sophie.

 

SergiosingingJessicaReed Son – Rock Star and PT Associate – My son is 17 and he is PT during the school year. He plays with the furry employees and vacuums up their fur. When he is not engaged with the co-workers, he provides musical entertainment for the office when he writes new music or practices with his band. He does not poop on the floor.

Cool WAHM Shoes

It’s Sunday afternoon, the time when most people start preparing for and dreading Monday.  Like a lot of working moms out there, I prepare for Monday by figuring out what I’m going to wear.  If you have ever read this blog, or even if you just read the title to this entry, you know that I’m a WAHM. Incase you are unfamiliar with the term; I’m not trying to say, “I’m warm” in an Italian Boston accent. WAHM stands for Work At Home Mom.  So, I stay home with my children (5 furry, 1 not furry), AND I try to concentrate enough to work full-time for an online university.  This makes me crazy and a wee bit ADHD.

There are times when I would rather work in an actual office with people, and I hate being around people.  I just figure that adult human co-workers probably wouldn’t want me to throw ice cubes in their mouths whenever I got a glass of water.  They most likely wouldn’t poop on the floor or hiss at each other. At least I’m hoping they wouldn’t.  The big draw back to working with people would be the need to wear real clothes, shoes, and a bra.  See, while other working moms are picking up their suits at the dry cleaner or ironing their uniforms, I’m digging in a drawer for my “good” yoga pants and trying to decide if it is cold enough to wear socks with my slippers.  I also have to decide which slippers to wear, as I have a few pairs to get me through the workweek.

My cutest slippers are the gray and white polka dot slippers that my son got me for Christmas.  I love them because they are adorable, they match everything, and they are a gift from my son, who is 16.  You may not know this, but teen boys would rather spend their money on condoms and video games.  So, if they spend ANY money on their parents, it should be celebrated and publically mentioned.  [waves at son]

Kohl's slippers
So cute!

I don’t wear my Santa shoe slippers often even though they are like clouds of red velvet and happiness because they irritate my husband.  They have little bells on them, and my husband tells me that I remind him of an outdoor cat with a bell collar.  This sends me into a tirade about how cats should not be allowed to roam outside and how I really do want to open that Pussy Ranch and save them all.

Santa Slippers
Like walking on holiday happiness

I got my plain black slippers at the orthopedic doctor’s office last year after I had my whole ankle injury and blood clot ordeal.  I paid $60 for them, which makes them my most expensive pair of slippers.  They have a super firm arch support, so I don’t wear them often.

Orthopedic slippers
No fallen arches here!

I just got my Steve Madden slippers last weekend, when I couldn’t find any boots to fit my super fat legs. DSW actually told me that my calf size, 16 inches, is the maximum width for wide boots.  Like most things that happen in my life, I wrote a blog about that.  I’ve always loved Steve Madden shoes because they tend to be wider, which makes my Dublin stubs look almost normal.  His slippers are the same way.  I love them.

Steve Madden Slippers
Steve! STEVE MADDEN!

So, now you’ve seen my work shoe wardrobe.  What kind of shoes do you wear to work?  Any other WAHM’s out there? Tell me about your favorite work attire.

A Letter to the Dog Who is Clearly NOT Mine

Great Dane Lab
See! You’re Daddy’s dog.

Dear Sophie,

Let’s just be honest.  You are not MY dog.  So, stop following me around like we are BFF’s.  We aren’t; OK?  Don’t get me wrong; I don’t HATE you or anything.  You’re a sweet dog; I just like the cats better.

The cats don’t chew the baseboards or the dining room chairs.  Seriously, why do you do that? You have oodles of toys.  You do not need to chew our house.  You act like you just quit smoking or something.  You constantly have to have something in your mouth.

The cats also do not eat poop, ever.  You actually tried to bring a frozen turd into the house today.  INTO MY HOUSE! What is wrong with you? That is gross, and unnecessary.  We have tried EVERYTHING to get you to stop, including giving you extra treats.  I feed you enough throughout the day to keep a small farm animal alive.  Well, at 74 pounds, I guess you ARE a small farm animal.

Dog with big sock monkey
I like you when you are calm.

My favorite thing about you, Sophie, and yes I have one, is that you are NOT allergic to peanut butter.  YES!  This allows me to stuff it in Kongs or those hollow bone things to get about 27 minutes of concentration time.  You see, Sophie, I work from home, and in order to, oh say, work, I need to not have to let you in and out of the back door every 16 seconds.  Really.  Pick a side of the door and stay there a while.

You’re probably thinking, “Work?  All you do is stare at that square thing.  You should chew it. That would be work.”  Actually, Sophie, if I don’t stare at the square thing, AKA work on the computer, you would not have as many nice toys to ignore while you are eating wood and poop.  Man, I wish they would just come out with a Nylabone shaped like a turd.  And without my square staring job, you could forget about the Blue Buffalo food and doggy daycare visits.  I do love those daycare days.  Sigh.

Halloween Kitty
This is cat for “I hate you.”

When you are actually here with me ALL DAY LONG, you could do me a couple of favors to help me concentrate.  First, stop barking at everything.  The wind has been blowing for millions of years.  Barking at it will not make it stop.  If that worked, the people along the East Coast would put you on the beach during hurricane season. Also, other people live on this street.  I’m not happy about it either. They, too, are dumb enough to have big dogs.  Those dogs are sometimes in their own yards.  Your barking at them is not going to make everyone move to a new neighborhood.

Another thing you could do for me is stop trying to be friends with Andre.  He simply does not like you.  He is NOT playing with you.  If he had opposable thumbs, I am certain he would jump on the counter, grab a knife from the block, and attempt to stab you.  Of course, you would probably think he was playing and would take off running with the knife and the cat stuck to your back like you were in some kind of big dog rodeo.

Great Dane Lab and Cat
Sunny Spot Truce

Thanks for reading, Sophie.  Now, if you could just keep chewing that gross dog bone you are busy destroying for the next few hours until daddy gets home, that would be dreamy.  You are DADDY’S dog.  The boy will be home soon to love on your for a couple of minutes, too.  Monday is going to be a daycare day for you, girl.  I think we both need it.

Hugs and Kongs, “Mom”

 

A boy and his dog
The boy loves you.

Facebook Makes Tea Kettles Whistle

LOVE!
LOVE!

It may be time to put me in a home.  It is good that I prepared my son for this.  He has been instructed that it needs to be a nursing home with cats.  I cannot live without cats.  Even if I don’t know my family, my own name, or that Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are the only milk chocolate candy remotely worth the calories (dark chocolate is SO much better), I will still know that cats are cozy little fluff balls of love.  I’m only 42, um 28, but clearly my concentration skills are going.  If I were a school-aged child, I would be on some medication with a high street value.

Friends, readers, scoffers, I am pretty sure that I have chronic Internet Induced ADHD.  I’m also pretty sure that I just made that up.  I wasn’t like this before I left the brick and mortar classroom and started working online, ten years ago. In fact, I was still super focused and organized when I first began working via the interwebs.  It all started to go downhill when social media became popular.  Then, I could get my work done and find out which of my high school friends had a good day, a baby, or the flu at the same time.  I could find out who was at the gym and who went to a bar.  Sometimes, people did both.  This is stuff I NEEDED to know.

Then, I figured out how to have multiple tabs open in my browser.  I’m not sure when this became possible.  I remember a simpler time, when Punky Brewster was still on the air and kids ate Care Bear cereal, when you could only view one web page at a time.  How deprived were we?  Now, I can have my work email, work calendar, personal email, blog email, blog, Twitter, Facebook, and the Today Show tabs open at the SAME TIME.  So, if I’m waiting for a page to load, or just taking a water cooler break, I can bounce through all of those tabs like Tigger.

This can get dangerous.  The other afternoon at about two, my natural “I would so take a nap if I didn’t have a full-time job” time of day, I decided some strong, black tea was in order.  So, I filled the kettle and put it on the burner.  I waited for the water to boil for about a minute and got bored.  Since my computer was on the coffee table in the living room, right next to the kitchen, I went to check email.  I figured it would only take a minute.

Sophie needs attention.
Sophie needs attention.

Well, while I was squatting next to the table, with one hand petting Sophie the Dane/Lab to keep her from laying her big head on the keyboard and the other moving the cursor down my email list, Facebook dinged at me.  Judging by the 2 on the Facebook tab, I knew I had 2 notifications.  Look at me doing math! So, I clicked on the Facebook tab, and I’m glad I did.  I learned that D is still a die-hard Republican and N likes a Most Interesting Man in the World meme.  I clicked on the meme so I could see the entire thing because you can never see the punch line in your news feed.  Then, out of nowhere, a screeching sound came from the kitchen.

I jumped up from my spot near the table and said, “The hell?”  I said this out loud, to Sophie, Lola, and the cats.  I talk to animals.  I really do need to be put in a home.  Plus, I had NO CLUE what that sound was.  Then, it hit me.  I was making tea! Crap! I totally forgot about that.   And that is why kettles whistle.

Jehovah’s SWAT Team

Dear Jehovah’s Witnesses who banged on my door like they were a SWAT team,

Creepy Brochure
Creepy Brochure

You made this introverted work at home mom jump.    I was enjoying my second cup of coffee while still wearing my snowflake pajamas when you banged on the door at 9:00 am, and shoved a creepy brochure under the door when I didn’t answer.  This was a loud, busting a meth house knock, not a friendly “Lets talk about Jesus” knock.  If you scare the bejesus out of people, it might make it more difficult to get the Jesus in them. I’m just giving you a little free advice, just you like to give to so many people.  Here is some more free advice.

It is 2013.  A lot of people WORK from home.   By BANGING on the door with your message of rapture, you are disturbing someone’s conference call or breaking someone’s concentration on a project.  You did the second for me.  Not only did your “knock” startle me, but also it startled my dogs.  They barked their heads off at you the entire time you were on my block after you pounded on my door. Thanks for that.  The large Black Lab/Great Dane eats her own poop.  The next time you knock, I will open the door and let her kiss you.  You’re welcome.

If there is a no soliciting sign on the door, don’t knock.  Tuck your Bible and your

I ordered this one today.
I ordered this one today.

brochures under your coat and tiptoe away. I have a friend who used to be a Jehovah’s Witness.  So, I know your trainers tell you that what your doing is not soliciting.  Um, the dictionary disagrees.  Here is the link to the dictionary definition.  It doesn’t just pertain to selling something.  Basically, it means to make a request or to bother someone.  If you are making a request that I listen to your stories, you are soliciting. You may not understand this, but you bother a lot of people.  I’m just trying to help you understand this.

If you are out there trying to recruit people who do not already agree with your philosophy, a brochure filled with Bible verses is not the way to go.   As your friendly neighborhood Buddhist-thinking Atheist, I can tell you that the Bible is nothing but a book of stories to me.  You would have better luck if you quoted something by Oscar Wilde.  I wrote my Master’s Thesis on him.  If you offered me a magical painting that aged for me, I’d sign up in a heartbeat.

If you are going to leave a brochure, step into the 21st Century with your contact information.   While you do have a web site listed, your email link on that site does not work.  You were going to get an email from me.  Now, I will simply print this blog and SNAIL MAIL it to the address on your brochure.  Perhaps, I should just have the Pony Express bring it.

I’m not sure if you watch the news or not, but a lot of people have been getting shot for silly things like trespassing.   As I mentioned before, I have a friend who was a Jehovah’s Witness.   He was disfellowshipped.  (By the way, I’m told this is the only magical word that makes you go away.  I am considering having it painted on my door.)  Once, when he was an 11 year-old doorknocker, a woman pulled a gun on him.  I guess she was more concerned with her Second Amendment Right to Bear Arms than my friend’s First Amendment Right to pester her with religious propaganda. This didn’t shock me.  When you’re knocking on strangers’ doors, you don’t know who is behind that door.  It could be someone with PTSD or it could be someone who hears voices telling him to kill the one who knocks, and I’m not talking about Walter White.

MickeycupIt’s been nice sharing my advice with you for a change.  I’m off to make dinner now.  My dogs have calmed down, but my blood pressure is still a little high from your “visit.”  I think I’m going to need to add some vodka to my Vitamin Water and drink it from my Mickey cup, just to get back to my happy place.