Tag Archives: Work from home

Are you a Hermit?

I’m an online college English instructor, and most of the time I LOVE working from home. I mean I don’t have to wear a bra, like ever. Well, I do put one on if my son’s band comes over for practice and it’s too hot for me to put a sweater on. You know, because nipple outlines and all. Nobody needs to see that. Also, I rarely wear real pants with an actual button and zipper. Such discomfort is reserved for when I leave the house. Each year that passes, I become more and more of a hermit.  Some of you out there reading this may fit the bill. In fact, I have compiled a list of signs that signal hermithood. If you would like to read more about hermit life come on over to Knot So Subtle, a great new magazine launching TODAY.

My work pants
My work pants

 

Poop and the Work at Home Office

My friend Michelle over at Rubber Shoes in Hell wrote a blog about her co-workers.   Unlike me, Michelle actually puts on acceptable clothes (this probably includes a real bra, not a cami) and shoes that are not made of fluff and foam, and gets in her car to go to a building that is not her home all before the coffee fully begins to work. I’m shaking my head at the horror of this scenario. My guess is she probably doesn’t watch the Today Show while she goes through her email. The horror!!

So, since I LOVED Michelle’s co-worker blog, I decided to share my own wonderful co-workers with you. Most of the beings who share my office are not human, but it is easy to imagine how they would be as “real” co-workers. Feel free to leave a comment about your co-workers, human or otherwise.

Maltese

Lola – Maltese and Security Guard — Lola is short, pasty, and weighs in at 8 pounds. In her mind, she could beat Mike Tyson. She is the first to go nuts when anyone is at the door. She barks at people who walk down the street and trees that sway in the wind. When she is not protecting this house and everyone in it, she humps Andre. Even though she has her own restroom (a potty pad), Lola frequently poops on the floor. Lola would be that person who is always yelling over her cubicle at her co-workers rather than just emailing them as nature intended.

Andre Andre – Super Model and Wannabe Murderer — Andre is one of those guys who is more beautiful than some ladies, and he HATES that. Andre is fond of tuna water and most people. He hates the vet and Sophie with a white-hot passion. He tolerates Lola’s humping, snuggles with Boo Boo, and frequently starts fights with Morris. If Andre were a human, he would be in prison for attempting to murder an annoying co-worker

 

seductive cat Boo Boo — Prefers Picabo and Boar’s Head – Boo is a lady, unless she wants cheese. She will only eat Boar’s Head white American cheese. Boo does not like strangers or being chased by Sophie. She has also been known to pee, poop, or puke on herself in a carrier. Boo is an easy puker and frequently pukes into the shared dry food bowl. Her brothers are horrified. If Boo were a human co-worker, she would be that sort of snotty thin girl who barfs after lunch.

 

Morris Morris – Professional Drooler – Morris begs for food and attention (mostly for food). For real. He gets on his hind feet and rubs his front paws together while meowing. He also drools on people when they hold him. He gets along with everyone, but beats the crap out of Andre when he starts a fight. If he were a real office worker, he would be that guy who is at his desk all day but no one knows what he does exactly.

 

Sophie Sophie – Friendly Poop Eater – Sophie is 81 pounds of poop-scented love. She enjoys tearing the stuffing out of toys, digging in the yard, and barking at her own little imaginary world of demons. If Sophie were a person, she would be someone who just quit smoking, as she has to have something in her mouth 96% of the day. She tried to bring a frozen turd in from the back yard once. If she were a real office worker, she would be the person that steals your lunch from the fridge. She would also be the person with the really bad breath.

Wedding Husband – PT Office Manager – My husband leaves the home to work. So, he is only PT in this office. However, he is industrious enough to be in a management position as a PTer. He is the executive in charge of all things icky, sticky, heavy, and disgusting. He cleans up poop and other fun stuff  when he is at the office. He hired Sophie.

 

SergiosingingJessicaReed Son – Rock Star and PT Associate – My son is 17 and he is PT during the school year. He plays with the furry employees and vacuums up their fur. When he is not engaged with the co-workers, he provides musical entertainment for the office when he writes new music or practices with his band. He does not poop on the floor.

Jehovah’s SWAT Team

Dear Jehovah’s Witnesses who banged on my door like they were a SWAT team,

Creepy Brochure
Creepy Brochure

You made this introverted work at home mom jump.    I was enjoying my second cup of coffee while still wearing my snowflake pajamas when you banged on the door at 9:00 am, and shoved a creepy brochure under the door when I didn’t answer.  This was a loud, busting a meth house knock, not a friendly “Lets talk about Jesus” knock.  If you scare the bejesus out of people, it might make it more difficult to get the Jesus in them. I’m just giving you a little free advice, just you like to give to so many people.  Here is some more free advice.

It is 2013.  A lot of people WORK from home.   By BANGING on the door with your message of rapture, you are disturbing someone’s conference call or breaking someone’s concentration on a project.  You did the second for me.  Not only did your “knock” startle me, but also it startled my dogs.  They barked their heads off at you the entire time you were on my block after you pounded on my door. Thanks for that.  The large Black Lab/Great Dane eats her own poop.  The next time you knock, I will open the door and let her kiss you.  You’re welcome.

If there is a no soliciting sign on the door, don’t knock.  Tuck your Bible and your

I ordered this one today.
I ordered this one today.

brochures under your coat and tiptoe away. I have a friend who used to be a Jehovah’s Witness.  So, I know your trainers tell you that what your doing is not soliciting.  Um, the dictionary disagrees.  Here is the link to the dictionary definition.  It doesn’t just pertain to selling something.  Basically, it means to make a request or to bother someone.  If you are making a request that I listen to your stories, you are soliciting. You may not understand this, but you bother a lot of people.  I’m just trying to help you understand this.

If you are out there trying to recruit people who do not already agree with your philosophy, a brochure filled with Bible verses is not the way to go.   As your friendly neighborhood Buddhist-thinking Atheist, I can tell you that the Bible is nothing but a book of stories to me.  You would have better luck if you quoted something by Oscar Wilde.  I wrote my Master’s Thesis on him.  If you offered me a magical painting that aged for me, I’d sign up in a heartbeat.

If you are going to leave a brochure, step into the 21st Century with your contact information.   While you do have a web site listed, your email link on that site does not work.  You were going to get an email from me.  Now, I will simply print this blog and SNAIL MAIL it to the address on your brochure.  Perhaps, I should just have the Pony Express bring it.

I’m not sure if you watch the news or not, but a lot of people have been getting shot for silly things like trespassing.   As I mentioned before, I have a friend who was a Jehovah’s Witness.   He was disfellowshipped.  (By the way, I’m told this is the only magical word that makes you go away.  I am considering having it painted on my door.)  Once, when he was an 11 year-old doorknocker, a woman pulled a gun on him.  I guess she was more concerned with her Second Amendment Right to Bear Arms than my friend’s First Amendment Right to pester her with religious propaganda. This didn’t shock me.  When you’re knocking on strangers’ doors, you don’t know who is behind that door.  It could be someone with PTSD or it could be someone who hears voices telling him to kill the one who knocks, and I’m not talking about Walter White.

MickeycupIt’s been nice sharing my advice with you for a change.  I’m off to make dinner now.  My dogs have calmed down, but my blood pressure is still a little high from your “visit.”  I think I’m going to need to add some vodka to my Vitamin Water and drink it from my Mickey cup, just to get back to my happy place.

Facebook– It’s all good, sort of.

A Public Hermit
A Public Hermit

As an introvert who works from home, I use Facebook as my “water cooler.”  Those of you who have never worked in an office, or watched one on TV, this does not mean that I attempt to drink from Facebook, though I am sure that function is coming. There will be a water app some day; I just know it.

The good side of Facebook is that I have gotten to know a lot of people that I did not take the time to hang around with in high school. This is because I spent much of high school trying to be Molly Ringwald’s Claire character from the Breakfast Club.  In reality, I was but a lowly Andie Walsh. In my quest to be Claire, I spent a lot of time trying to hang out with the “right” people rather than the people that I truly had a lot in common with.  I missed out on developing a lot of great friendships, though I did have some good friends.  So, now, on Facebook, I have gotten to know all of these great people.  I feel lucky to have found them again after all of these years.

Another good thing about Facebook is that I get to know my work friends through their pictures and status updates.  This is where that whole water cooler thing comes in. Since I work online, I don’t often see my co-workers in person.  There are meetings here and there, but they only last a day or two, and they don’t occur regularly.  Of course, this can also be a good thing because I never have enough time to become annoyed by my co-workers.  There are those special people who can be annoying via email, but I don’t know anyone like that.  I swear that I am telling the truth.

The one bad side of Facebook, other than having to block creepy people who message you out of no where to ask to be special friends with you, is that you may get to know people too well.  For example, I’ve learned that most of my extended family is on the other side of the religious and political spectrum.  I just have very little in common with them, and I’m not going to lie, I roll my eyes at their posts.  Before Facebook, I would see them maybe once every 15 or 30 years.  I would wish we were closer, and think of all the fun times we could spend together as a family.  Now, after “seeing” them daily on Facebook, I get why my mom ran screaming from the Midwest and moved to Florida.  Mom, you could not have done me a bigger favor.  I’m sorry about moving back, but at least I ended up in a better town.  I mean aside from the snow.

I’ve learned from working online that most people will say things to you through a computer screen that they would never say to your face.  I’m not like this as I tend to have no filter both in person and online.  Think  Sheldon Cooper without the tall, slender frame and fancy science degrees.  Maybe I should just BE Sheldon Cooper online.  Who would know the difference?

Facebook– It's all good, sort of.

A Public Hermit
A Public Hermit

As an introvert who works from home, I use Facebook as my “water cooler.”  Those of you who have never worked in an office, or watched one on TV, this does not mean that I attempt to drink from Facebook, though I am sure that function is coming. There will be a water app some day; I just know it.

The good side of Facebook is that I have gotten to know a lot of people that I did not take the time to hang around with in high school. This is because I spent much of high school trying to be Molly Ringwald’s Claire character from the Breakfast Club.  In reality, I was but a lowly Andie Walsh. In my quest to be Claire, I spent a lot of time trying to hang out with the “right” people rather than the people that I truly had a lot in common with.  I missed out on developing a lot of great friendships, though I did have some good friends.  So, now, on Facebook, I have gotten to know all of these great people.  I feel lucky to have found them again after all of these years.

Another good thing about Facebook is that I get to know my work friends through their pictures and status updates.  This is where that whole water cooler thing comes in. Since I work online, I don’t often see my co-workers in person.  There are meetings here and there, but they only last a day or two, and they don’t occur regularly.  Of course, this can also be a good thing because I never have enough time to become annoyed by my co-workers.  There are those special people who can be annoying via email, but I don’t know anyone like that.  I swear that I am telling the truth.

The one bad side of Facebook, other than having to block creepy people who message you out of no where to ask to be special friends with you, is that you may get to know people too well.  For example, I’ve learned that most of my extended family is on the other side of the religious and political spectrum.  I just have very little in common with them, and I’m not going to lie, I roll my eyes at their posts.  Before Facebook, I would see them maybe once every 15 or 30 years.  I would wish we were closer, and think of all the fun times we could spend together as a family.  Now, after “seeing” them daily on Facebook, I get why my mom ran screaming from the Midwest and moved to Florida.  Mom, you could not have done me a bigger favor.  I’m sorry about moving back, but at least I ended up in a better town.  I mean aside from the snow.

I’ve learned from working online that most people will say things to you through a computer screen that they would never say to your face.  I’m not like this as I tend to have no filter both in person and online.  Think  Sheldon Cooper without the tall, slender frame and fancy science degrees.  Maybe I should just BE Sheldon Cooper online.  Who would know the difference?

The Public Hermit

A Public Hermit
A Public Hermit

I have worked from home for the past eight years, and I love it.  I don’t have to get dressed unless I’m going somewhere, or I want to remind my husband that I can still be cute. I can work with cats on my lap, a Maltese on my legs, and a big black Lab/Dane puppy on the floor next to me.  I can eat what I want for lunch, and I never have to endure stall talk in the bathroom.  For an introvert, working at home is heaven. 

 Since I work from home and my schedule is a bit more flexible, I do have to sometimes run errands during the business day.  Not only does that involve putting on big girl clothes, but it also involves talking to people I don’t know.  UGH!  Yesterday was such a day.  I had to sit at the VW dealership and wait for my car to have a thirty-day new car check up.  The official waiting room was crowded and too small for my comfort. In addition to being introverted, I’m also claustrophobic.  Score! So, I sat at a table overlooking the show room floor, where all people were at least six feet away.

  I prepared for this trip.  I was armed with a Verizon Jetpack Mifi device, a MacBook Pro (SO not a PC girl), and an incredible focus on my work.  I tried to just focus on work so that I would not need to make small talk about the weather or German engineering.  The sales and service people just did not get this.  I was offered three beverages in nine minutes.  Seriously!  I wanted to yell, “I’m not thirsty! Just stop talking to me!”  Instead, I smiled, pretended to be normal, and said, “No, thank you.” Another salesman, apparently named Tom, stopped to joke with me because I have a Tom’s sticker on my Mac.  He said, “That’s my computer.”  I wanted to ask him, “Are you trying to flirt with me or sell me a car?  Either way, I’m so not interested.”  I didn’t.  I just laughed and explained that I got it when I ordered my son’s shoes. I swear. I should be an actress, in an online show, of course.  There’s no way I will go to a studio every day.