Tag Archives: work online

Poop and the Work at Home Office

My friend Michelle over at Rubber Shoes in Hell wrote a blog about her co-workers.   Unlike me, Michelle actually puts on acceptable clothes (this probably includes a real bra, not a cami) and shoes that are not made of fluff and foam, and gets in her car to go to a building that is not her home all before the coffee fully begins to work. I’m shaking my head at the horror of this scenario. My guess is she probably doesn’t watch the Today Show while she goes through her email. The horror!!

So, since I LOVED Michelle’s co-worker blog, I decided to share my own wonderful co-workers with you. Most of the beings who share my office are not human, but it is easy to imagine how they would be as “real” co-workers. Feel free to leave a comment about your co-workers, human or otherwise.

Maltese

Lola – Maltese and Security Guard — Lola is short, pasty, and weighs in at 8 pounds. In her mind, she could beat Mike Tyson. She is the first to go nuts when anyone is at the door. She barks at people who walk down the street and trees that sway in the wind. When she is not protecting this house and everyone in it, she humps Andre. Even though she has her own restroom (a potty pad), Lola frequently poops on the floor. Lola would be that person who is always yelling over her cubicle at her co-workers rather than just emailing them as nature intended.

Andre Andre – Super Model and Wannabe Murderer — Andre is one of those guys who is more beautiful than some ladies, and he HATES that. Andre is fond of tuna water and most people. He hates the vet and Sophie with a white-hot passion. He tolerates Lola’s humping, snuggles with Boo Boo, and frequently starts fights with Morris. If Andre were a human, he would be in prison for attempting to murder an annoying co-worker

 

seductive cat Boo Boo — Prefers Picabo and Boar’s Head – Boo is a lady, unless she wants cheese. She will only eat Boar’s Head white American cheese. Boo does not like strangers or being chased by Sophie. She has also been known to pee, poop, or puke on herself in a carrier. Boo is an easy puker and frequently pukes into the shared dry food bowl. Her brothers are horrified. If Boo were a human co-worker, she would be that sort of snotty thin girl who barfs after lunch.

 

Morris Morris – Professional Drooler – Morris begs for food and attention (mostly for food). For real. He gets on his hind feet and rubs his front paws together while meowing. He also drools on people when they hold him. He gets along with everyone, but beats the crap out of Andre when he starts a fight. If he were a real office worker, he would be that guy who is at his desk all day but no one knows what he does exactly.

 

Sophie Sophie – Friendly Poop Eater – Sophie is 81 pounds of poop-scented love. She enjoys tearing the stuffing out of toys, digging in the yard, and barking at her own little imaginary world of demons. If Sophie were a person, she would be someone who just quit smoking, as she has to have something in her mouth 96% of the day. She tried to bring a frozen turd in from the back yard once. If she were a real office worker, she would be the person that steals your lunch from the fridge. She would also be the person with the really bad breath.

Wedding Husband – PT Office Manager – My husband leaves the home to work. So, he is only PT in this office. However, he is industrious enough to be in a management position as a PTer. He is the executive in charge of all things icky, sticky, heavy, and disgusting. He cleans up poop and other fun stuff  when he is at the office. He hired Sophie.

 

SergiosingingJessicaReed Son – Rock Star and PT Associate – My son is 17 and he is PT during the school year. He plays with the furry employees and vacuums up their fur. When he is not engaged with the co-workers, he provides musical entertainment for the office when he writes new music or practices with his band. He does not poop on the floor.

Facebook Makes Tea Kettles Whistle

LOVE!
LOVE!

It may be time to put me in a home.  It is good that I prepared my son for this.  He has been instructed that it needs to be a nursing home with cats.  I cannot live without cats.  Even if I don’t know my family, my own name, or that Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are the only milk chocolate candy remotely worth the calories (dark chocolate is SO much better), I will still know that cats are cozy little fluff balls of love.  I’m only 42, um 28, but clearly my concentration skills are going.  If I were a school-aged child, I would be on some medication with a high street value.

Friends, readers, scoffers, I am pretty sure that I have chronic Internet Induced ADHD.  I’m also pretty sure that I just made that up.  I wasn’t like this before I left the brick and mortar classroom and started working online, ten years ago. In fact, I was still super focused and organized when I first began working via the interwebs.  It all started to go downhill when social media became popular.  Then, I could get my work done and find out which of my high school friends had a good day, a baby, or the flu at the same time.  I could find out who was at the gym and who went to a bar.  Sometimes, people did both.  This is stuff I NEEDED to know.

Then, I figured out how to have multiple tabs open in my browser.  I’m not sure when this became possible.  I remember a simpler time, when Punky Brewster was still on the air and kids ate Care Bear cereal, when you could only view one web page at a time.  How deprived were we?  Now, I can have my work email, work calendar, personal email, blog email, blog, Twitter, Facebook, and the Today Show tabs open at the SAME TIME.  So, if I’m waiting for a page to load, or just taking a water cooler break, I can bounce through all of those tabs like Tigger.

This can get dangerous.  The other afternoon at about two, my natural “I would so take a nap if I didn’t have a full-time job” time of day, I decided some strong, black tea was in order.  So, I filled the kettle and put it on the burner.  I waited for the water to boil for about a minute and got bored.  Since my computer was on the coffee table in the living room, right next to the kitchen, I went to check email.  I figured it would only take a minute.

Sophie needs attention.
Sophie needs attention.

Well, while I was squatting next to the table, with one hand petting Sophie the Dane/Lab to keep her from laying her big head on the keyboard and the other moving the cursor down my email list, Facebook dinged at me.  Judging by the 2 on the Facebook tab, I knew I had 2 notifications.  Look at me doing math! So, I clicked on the Facebook tab, and I’m glad I did.  I learned that D is still a die-hard Republican and N likes a Most Interesting Man in the World meme.  I clicked on the meme so I could see the entire thing because you can never see the punch line in your news feed.  Then, out of nowhere, a screeching sound came from the kitchen.

I jumped up from my spot near the table and said, “The hell?”  I said this out loud, to Sophie, Lola, and the cats.  I talk to animals.  I really do need to be put in a home.  Plus, I had NO CLUE what that sound was.  Then, it hit me.  I was making tea! Crap! I totally forgot about that.   And that is why kettles whistle.